Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
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*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Finally! 😈
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”