Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.