My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Beware…..
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.