Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater