If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.