My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me as a therapist: omg same
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
found my next D&D character name
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better