{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
#ParentingFacts
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn