hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
when someone compliments me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
the red hot silly peppers
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo