Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
You Might Also Like
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.