Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
😅🤣😂
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.