Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.