If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie