I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Happy Thanksgiving
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.