Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Perfection.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”