Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
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I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
why I oughta
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!