My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
🤣could you imagine
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.