soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday