It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Important reminders
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision