Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
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WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.