#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.