My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move