Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”