Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.