What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
wow he looks just like him
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.