Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”