*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I found your tweet-up…
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.