My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
This is amazing.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.