I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
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in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that