I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.