Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.