NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.