Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
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“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Nothing.