Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
This will teach them to underestimate me
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]