Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
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All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket