Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder