Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Breaking news:
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I am laughing way too hard at this.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
me when i see my girls butt
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am