BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Oh. My. God.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*