I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks