Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.