There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
The dark side of Canada
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.