There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.