When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Nice try, NASA
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.