*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
#milo
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off