My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
My dog learned how to text
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Hank is one in a melon.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d