You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.