*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
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If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
#Caturday
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.