Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
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the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
WHY?!
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Anyone really
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.