Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
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Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.