40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.