“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Rich people don’t understand cereal
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale